Equine Connection works with dozens of kids and teens each week. A huge part of our work with the under-18 set is working with parents and other significant adults in the child's life. Our goal is always to support parents to raise resilient, confident, well-adjusted people. There are many things that horses can teach us about kids and parenting. Horses are sensitive creatures just like kids are. It is important to interact with them in certain ways to make sure they have positive experiences.

Consider this scenario: Mom enters the kitchen to find her young son, Chris, climbing on the counters in order to get to the cookies up there. Concerned for Chris's safety, Mom tells him to get down off the counter and sends him into a timeout. As Chris is walking to his room for timeout, he yells "I hate you!" at his mom.

So what can horses teach us about how to deal with situations like this one? Here are just a few things...

Choose your battles. Horses have a distinct hierarchy in their herd that helps to keep this rule in place. If horses get into fights about non-essential things, they may be too tired to stand up for themselves when it really counts. Similarly, parents may find that children are less resistant (and that you are less exhausted) by letting the little things slide while providing consistent consequences for the bigger things. Let's go back to Chris and his mom. When Chris yells at his mom, she becomes angry and yells back at him. Instead of continuing to his room and timeout, Chris starts yelling at his mom even more. If Mom had focused on the primary concern--climbing the counter--instead of engaging with an angry child, chances are Chris would have gone into timeout without much additional resistance and thought twice before climbing on the counter again.

Be a thermostat, not a thermometer.​ A thermometer changes according to its environment, while a thermostat can change the environment. In other words, be as calm as you want your child to be. It is common knowledge that a nervous human often makes a nervous horse. When working with horses, it is important for the person to remain calm even when the horse becomes excited or scared. Horses, like kids, will look to you for leadership. If the leader gets upset about something, there must be something to be upset about, right? Chris becomes more upset when his mom becomes angrier. Instead of rising along with your child's temperature, remain calm the way you want your child to be. It will then become easier for the child to calm down again.

Use the least amount of pressure necessary... It's tempting to want to come down hard on kids in order to "fix" their problematic behaviors, but this often contributes to resentment, resistance, and defiance rather than consistent changes. A horse doesn't move another horse by suddenly kicking out as hard as they can. They'll start by applying the least amount of pressure possible and increase it only if they don't get the reaction they want. Kids benefit from this concept also. For example, Chris's mom told Chris to go to timeout and gave him the opportunity to do it himself. She could have physically picked Chris up and carried him to timeout straight away, which may have upset Chris even more and led to additional conflict. By letting him walk himself to timeout, Chris's mom gets the response she wants with minimal effort.

...and remove the pressure when they do what you want. Keeping constant pressure on a horse can cause them to feel overwhelmed, confused, and defensive. They might even start to push back, trying to get the pressure to go away. Chris has already received the consequence of timeout. If Mom continues to yell at him about climbing on the counter or yelling at her while he sits in timeout, she keeps the pressure on him and he will probably continue to feel angry and resentful. Or, she might tell him not to climb on the counters every time he comes into the kitchen after that. However, that doesn't give Chris the opportunity to learn to manage his own behavior. It also doesn't recognize when he does manage his behavior and resists climbing the counter for the cookie.


What are your thoughts about what horses can teach us about parenting?

Previously we discussed how to set limits so that children and teens feel understood but also take responsibility for inappropriate behavior. In this post we are talking about how to provide consequences when the child continues to act out disrespectfully or harmfully.

First, communicate consequences so that the child understands they are responsible for their own choices. The great thing about establishing consequences like this is that they can be delivered in a way that takes the parent/caregiver out of the position of being the “bad guy.” Instead of saying, “I’m grounding you” (which makes it about you, the parent/caregiver), you might tell them:

“By choosing to continue hitting me, you are choosing to lose video game time today.”

Remember that children’s brains comprehend things differently than adult brains. The younger the child is, the more immediate and short-term the consequence should be. It won’t make sense to a 4 year old why something they did on Tuesday means they can’t play video games on Friday. Allow every day to be a new day and expect the best from your child. If they lost video game privileges on Tuesday, assume they have them back on Wednesday unless they hit you again on Wednesday. Then go through the steps of A-C-T and offer consequences if the child continues to hit you.

Older children and teens are better able to understand long-term consequences, but try to keep the consequence in proportion to the behavior. For example, two weeks without the car might not be appropriate for coming home 15 minutes after curfew one time, but it might be appropriate if they come home an hour after curfew several nights a week. Remember to phrase it in a way that emphasizes the teen’s responsibility in the situation:

“By choosing to come home after curfew the last three nights, you chose to not have the car for the rest of the week.”

Sometimes the consequence you tried to give was not effective in stopping the child’s behavior. If you were firm and consistent when communicating the limit and doling out the consequence, it may be necessary to try a different consequence. A child may not be affected by losing TV time but they might think twice about hitting if they know they will lose a particular toy for the rest of the day. Some older children and teens may feel more responsible for their actions if they help to choose the consequences. If there are certain behaviors they engage in frequently (such as not finishing homework or staying out past curfew), try sitting down with them and coming up with appropriate consequences together. This can encourage them to be more mindful of their actions and responsible for the consequences.

A-C-T limit setting and consequences are meant to teach children self-regulation and responsibility. By learning to take ownership of their mistakes, your children can grow into confident and resilient adults.

This post is for informational purposes only. It should not be considered to be counseling or a replacement for mental health treatment from a licensed professional. We encourage all parents and caregivers to seek services from an appropriately credentialed therapist to address concerns about your child's behavior or demeanor.

One of the most common concerns that parents and caregivers bring up to a counselor is how to manage a child’s misbehavior. Some children act out more than others, but it is always stressful for both the adult and the child when they do. It is important to address the child’s behavior in a way that he or she can understand. Children’s brains are different from adult brains, so we need to be able to communicate limits and consequences in a child-appropriate manner. Our favorite way to do this both in therapy and in the home is with the A-C-T model. It was developed by Dr. Garry Landreth, a leading figure in play therapy. It involves three simple, adaptable steps: Acknowledge the feeling, Communicate the limit, and Target acceptable alternatives.

Acknowledge the feeling. Letting a child know that you know how they are feeling helps them to feel heard and understood. Acknowledging emotions also helps an upset child address their feelings and can help them calm down faster.

“I know that you are angry and want to hit me…”

Communicate the limit. It is alright for a child to have feelings, but it is not appropriate for them to behave destructively or inappropriately. After validating their emotions, let them know that what they are doing is not OK. Be sure to word the limit so that you are saying “no” to the behavior and not to the child themselves. For example, instead of saying, “You can’t throw that,” you can say…

“…but I am not for hitting.”

This puts the focus on the child’s action rather than their feeling or person. Behaviors are easier for a child to change than feelings are, which is why the third step is to offer choices of other ways to behave.

Target acceptable alternatives. Simply telling a child “no” can lead them to feeling frustrated. They are trying to deal with their emotions and need to learn how to handle them safely. Offer other ways they can express themselves that are acceptable to you. It is also important that the child feels they have the ability to make their own choice, which helps them learn responsibility and problem solving. Offer one choice for younger children and 2-3 choices for older children and teens.

“You can choose to hit the pillow.”

It is important that you do not offer a choice that you do not want the child to choose. For example, you wouldn’t suggest that they hit the dog instead of you.

The A-C-T method can also be used with teens. We often want to treat teens as adults, but their brains are not fully developed yet and they need clear communication of concrete limits like children do. Tweak the language slightly so that the teen does not feel talked down to, but can still understand what you are saying. For example, “I know you are upset about not being able to go out with your friends tonight, but school nights are for doing homework and chores. You can choose to see your friends on Friday night or invite them to come over on Saturday.”

If the child persists in the inappropriate behavior, stay firm and consistent with the limit. This type of limit setting can take some getting used to. Practice the three parts and soon it will become natural to respond to your child with the A-C-T method. For more about limit setting and choice giving, we recommend Dr. Landreth’s "Choices, Cookies, and Kids" DVD. ECC has the DVD available for parents and caregivers to watch during their child’s session. It can also be purchased on Dr. Landreth’s website.

Please contact us with any questions you have about the A-C-T method or leave a comment below.