Equine Connection works with dozens of kids and teens each week. A huge part of our work with the under-18 set is working with parents and other significant adults in the child's life. Our goal is always to support parents to raise resilient, confident, well-adjusted people. There are many things that horses can teach us about kids and parenting. Horses are sensitive creatures just like kids are. It is important to interact with them in certain ways to make sure they have positive experiences.

Consider this scenario: Mom enters the kitchen to find her young son, Chris, climbing on the counters in order to get to the cookies up there. Concerned for Chris's safety, Mom tells him to get down off the counter and sends him into a timeout. As Chris is walking to his room for timeout, he yells "I hate you!" at his mom.

So what can horses teach us about how to deal with situations like this one? Here are just a few things...

Choose your battles. Horses have a distinct hierarchy in their herd that helps to keep this rule in place. If horses get into fights about non-essential things, they may be too tired to stand up for themselves when it really counts. Similarly, parents may find that children are less resistant (and that you are less exhausted) by letting the little things slide while providing consistent consequences for the bigger things. Let's go back to Chris and his mom. When Chris yells at his mom, she becomes angry and yells back at him. Instead of continuing to his room and timeout, Chris starts yelling at his mom even more. If Mom had focused on the primary concern--climbing the counter--instead of engaging with an angry child, chances are Chris would have gone into timeout without much additional resistance and thought twice before climbing on the counter again.

Be a thermostat, not a thermometer.​ A thermometer changes according to its environment, while a thermostat can change the environment. In other words, be as calm as you want your child to be. It is common knowledge that a nervous human often makes a nervous horse. When working with horses, it is important for the person to remain calm even when the horse becomes excited or scared. Horses, like kids, will look to you for leadership. If the leader gets upset about something, there must be something to be upset about, right? Chris becomes more upset when his mom becomes angrier. Instead of rising along with your child's temperature, remain calm the way you want your child to be. It will then become easier for the child to calm down again.

Use the least amount of pressure necessary... It's tempting to want to come down hard on kids in order to "fix" their problematic behaviors, but this often contributes to resentment, resistance, and defiance rather than consistent changes. A horse doesn't move another horse by suddenly kicking out as hard as they can. They'll start by applying the least amount of pressure possible and increase it only if they don't get the reaction they want. Kids benefit from this concept also. For example, Chris's mom told Chris to go to timeout and gave him the opportunity to do it himself. She could have physically picked Chris up and carried him to timeout straight away, which may have upset Chris even more and led to additional conflict. By letting him walk himself to timeout, Chris's mom gets the response she wants with minimal effort.

...and remove the pressure when they do what you want. Keeping constant pressure on a horse can cause them to feel overwhelmed, confused, and defensive. They might even start to push back, trying to get the pressure to go away. Chris has already received the consequence of timeout. If Mom continues to yell at him about climbing on the counter or yelling at her while he sits in timeout, she keeps the pressure on him and he will probably continue to feel angry and resentful. Or, she might tell him not to climb on the counters every time he comes into the kitchen after that. However, that doesn't give Chris the opportunity to learn to manage his own behavior. It also doesn't recognize when he does manage his behavior and resists climbing the counter for the cookie.


What are your thoughts about what horses can teach us about parenting?

"The horse will teach you if you'll listen."  -Ray Hunt

You'd be hard pressed to find an equestrian who doesn't believe they've learned a lot simply by being around horses. But whether you are an experienced horse person or have never seen a horse up close, there are many things about life and living that horses can teach us. Here are five lessons we learn from our equine therapy partners over and over again.

1. Be Authentic
The dictionary defines authentic as being real or genuine. Humans learn to hide many things inside because of messages we've internalized from our families, friends, and society at large. Constantly hiding our true selves and our experiences can lead to physical and emotional stress. Horses, on the other hand, do not know how to be anything other than who and what they are. They also understand authenticity--it is uncomfortable for a horse to encounter a human who is not being genuine because it is difficult for a horse to gauge how safe that person is to be around. Horses teach us that it is healthy to always be who we truly are.

2. Be Present
Horses aren't very concerned about the past or the future. They don't think in terms of their next meal, they think more along the lines of, "I'm hungry right now." Much of the emotional stress that humans experience has to do with dwelling on what happened before and what might happen in the future. Attending to our here-and-now experience can be powerfully healing. You may have heard the practice of being present referred to as mindfulness. Mindfulness is an important tool in recognizing and managing emotions, something that many clients who struggle with depression, anxiety, or trauma identify as an area of struggle. Horses are always in tune with the present moment so that they can keep themselves comfortable and safe.

3. Let It Go
This idea goes hand-in-hand with being present. Horses are focused on the present moment, so if right now includes a dangerous situation, the herd will immediately react in order to keep everyone safe. Once that danger is past, however, horses have the ability to return almost immediately to their previous state of calm. They don't worry about the next time the bear might come out of the woods or what they could have done differently the last time they encountered a bear. This ability to let it go sets a great example for those dealing with trauma and anxiety.

4. Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that makes you wonder how sincere they are? Horses might not be able to speak, but they are still master communicators. Horses are deliberate with everything they do. In the herd, this keeps other horses from being confused about what is going on and therefore maintains safety. It's difficult for everyone to be secure if they have to second-guess whether their herdmate actually means it when they say that bear is on its way to eat them. For people who struggle to communicate effectively, it can be a challenge to ask a horse for what they want. Horses will respond if we communicate clearly and assertively (note that we didn't say "loudly").

5. We're Better Together
Horses are herd animals. Everything from their physical safety to their emotional security depends on having other horses with them. Humans are also hard-wired to be in relationships and we can gain a lot by having a support network. However, humans have a tendency to withdraw from their social supports when dealing with life's challenges. Horses' relationships with each other become more important during times of stress and danger. They know that having someone at your back can make all the difference. For people, a "herd" can consist of family members, friends, co-workers, and professionals (like teachers or therapists!).

Have you learned any important lessons from horses or other animals?