Previously we discussed how to set limits so that children and teens feel understood but also take responsibility for inappropriate behavior. In this post we are talking about how to provide consequences when the child continues to act out disrespectfully or harmfully.

First, communicate consequences so that the child understands they are responsible for their own choices. The great thing about establishing consequences like this is that they can be delivered in a way that takes the parent/caregiver out of the position of being the “bad guy.” Instead of saying, “I’m grounding you” (which makes it about you, the parent/caregiver), you might tell them:

“By choosing to continue hitting me, you are choosing to lose video game time today.”

Remember that children’s brains comprehend things differently than adult brains. The younger the child is, the more immediate and short-term the consequence should be. It won’t make sense to a 4 year old why something they did on Tuesday means they can’t play video games on Friday. Allow every day to be a new day and expect the best from your child. If they lost video game privileges on Tuesday, assume they have them back on Wednesday unless they hit you again on Wednesday. Then go through the steps of A-C-T and offer consequences if the child continues to hit you.

Older children and teens are better able to understand long-term consequences, but try to keep the consequence in proportion to the behavior. For example, two weeks without the car might not be appropriate for coming home 15 minutes after curfew one time, but it might be appropriate if they come home an hour after curfew several nights a week. Remember to phrase it in a way that emphasizes the teen’s responsibility in the situation:

“By choosing to come home after curfew the last three nights, you chose to not have the car for the rest of the week.”

Sometimes the consequence you tried to give was not effective in stopping the child’s behavior. If you were firm and consistent when communicating the limit and doling out the consequence, it may be necessary to try a different consequence. A child may not be affected by losing TV time but they might think twice about hitting if they know they will lose a particular toy for the rest of the day. Some older children and teens may feel more responsible for their actions if they help to choose the consequences. If there are certain behaviors they engage in frequently (such as not finishing homework or staying out past curfew), try sitting down with them and coming up with appropriate consequences together. This can encourage them to be more mindful of their actions and responsible for the consequences.

A-C-T limit setting and consequences are meant to teach children self-regulation and responsibility. By learning to take ownership of their mistakes, your children can grow into confident and resilient adults.

This post is for informational purposes only. It should not be considered to be counseling or a replacement for mental health treatment from a licensed professional. We encourage all parents and caregivers to seek services from an appropriately credentialed therapist to address concerns about your child's behavior or demeanor.

It can be intimidating to attend your first (or even fifth or tenth) counseling session. Therapy is a mysterious process and you may not know what to expect from your counselor, the horses, or the process in general. This series will explain more about the counseling process at Equine Connection Counseling. Keep in mind that everyone’s experience in counseling is different and these are just a few common elements that most of our clients will come across in their sessions. 

In Part 1, we explained a little about what happens as someone begins counseling at ECC. In Part 2, we are talking about things clients might experience in their sessions after they have been coming for a few weeks:

Emotions. Even though humans are wired to feel emotions, people struggling with things like depression, anxiety, PTSD, anger, or sadness learn to “turn off” or “numb” their feelings in order to lessen the overwhelming impact those feelings can have. It is a common coping strategy, but numbing the bad feelings means the good feelings get turned off also. Horses have a hard time being around people that aren’t aware of their own feelings. To horses, feelings are the instincts that keep them safe and they rely on the feelings other horses have to be aware of potential danger, yummy food, or that cranky herdmate that they should avoid. Horses act differently around people who are aware of their own feelings than people who are numb to their feelings. This can be helpful for clients that want to get in touch with their feelings again, because the horses will immediately respond when someone feels an emotion. Horses often prefer to be near people who are aware of their own emotions because they are safer and more reliable herdmates.

Discomfort. We wish we could tell you that counseling is always a warm and fuzzy process. The truth is that counseling can be difficult and scary. Clients might learn things about themselves that they don’t particularly like and they might have to talk about upsetting things. They might try change habits that they’ve had for years. The ultimate goal of counseling is to help the client feel happier and healthier, and sometimes that means addressing and changing unhappy or unhealthy parts of their lives. However, talking about uncomfortable things around the horses can feel safer than talking about them in a traditional counseling office. Being around the horses can decrease stress hormones and increase “happy” hormones, so clients may experience less anxiety while talking about upsetting topics and feel calmer more quickly afterwards.

Awareness or new understanding. Because horses react authentically and in the moment, they may respond to things that the humans around them are not aware of. This includes emotions, thoughts, or physical reactions that clients didn’t notice at first. By experiencing feedback from the horses, clients often learn things about themselves and the way they handle stress that they may not have realized. This gives clients the opportunity to understand themselves better and notice how they act in their day-to-day lives. By understanding what they are experiencing and why, many clients feel better equipped to cope or to change things they are not satisfied with. Also, clients can practice working through their concerns with the horses first before trying it with people. For example, if someone is having difficulty communicating assertively with their spouse, we are likely to see that come out in their interaction with the horse. That way, we can address it in the here and now with the horse, rather than just talking about what happens outside of session. Having the chance to try communicating and relating differently with the horse helps clients feel more empowered and self-confident to try it with people.

Remember that counseling is a participation activity: you get out of therapy what you put into it! If there is something going on that worries you or that you feel uncomfortable with, your counselor will want you to bring it up to them. You have a lot of power over your own healing process and you are the only one who can tell us if something is working or not working. We encourage current and potential clients to contact us with any questions you have about the counseling process.

At ECC, we often talk about the benefits of play therapy for young children. We are proud to offer a unique type of play therapy that we call Equine Partnered Play Therapy, which was developed by Dr. Sheade. We have previously shared about a limit setting technique used in our play therapy practice, but you might still be wondering: what exactly is play therapy?

Play therapy provides children with the necessary materials to explore, process, and express feelings in a safe therapeutic environment. Children use play to make sense of the world. This is different from adults, who often talk to process things. Play therapy is built on the idea that play is a child’s language and toys are their words. How a child interacts with toys and with the therapist through play can reveal the child’s feelings, wishes, or needs. Child-centered play therapy is a method that allows the child to direct the content and process of the play session. By letting the child take the lead, he or she is empowered to explore and express his/herself as well as build empathy, problem solving skills, and self-esteem.

Equine Partnered Play Therapy (EPPT) is Dr. Sheade’s method of equine-assisted play therapy. It uses the evidenced-based techniques of child-centered play therapy and incorporates horses into the counseling process. Working with our miniature horses provides children with the opportunity to build relationships and gain awareness. The therapist can gain information about the child from the way he/she interacts with the horses. The horses also provide feedback to the child about his/her behaviors. For example, a horse may move away from a child who approaches too quickly. The therapist can reflect that the horse felt scared when the child ran towards it, increasing awareness of the horse’s feelings and how the child’s behavior affects others. The child might choose to approach the horse more slowly next time because they are now aware that moving too quickly scares the horse. These types of interactions can help a child learn self-regulation, empathy, and self-confidence.

Play therapy is a great option for children who are too young to verbally process their experience. We recommend EPPT for children ages 3-9. Some older children with developmental challenges or severe trauma may also benefit from play therapy. Concerns that can be addressed in EPPT include: attention problems and impulsiveness, anxiety/worry, acting out, anger/aggression, and many more.

As effective as EPPT can be, it is a small part of the child’s life. Therefore it is also important to us to work with the child’s family to identify appropriate techniques for behavior management and strengthening their relationship with the child. To protect the child’s privacy, the therapist will share overarching themes in the child’s play rather than specific content. This ensures that the child feels comfortable to express him/herself while also giving families the information they need to support the child’s progress. The therapist may also make recommendations or offer information about tools such as limit setting.

Want to learn how to do EPPT? Join us at our next scheduled EPPT Training Workshop. More details can be found here!
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Do you have more questions about EPPT or play therapy in general? We recommend watching the videos below from the Center for Play Therapy at the University of North Texas; there is one for children and one for parents. For other questions, please contact us or respond in the comments below and we will be happy to help you find the answers!

Written By: Hannah Yterdal, M.S., LPC Intern (Under the Supervision of Emily Michero, Ph.D., LPC-S)

Almost half of the clients served at ECC are military service members, veterans, and their family members. Our partnership with Wings of Hope and our collaboration through our military program called Operation Hoofbeat allows us to offer free equine assisted counseling to military personnel and families. There is a growing need to reach the men and women of the armed forces through community-based services, and we are proud to be one of the programs doing just that. Equine assisted activities and therapies are becoming increasingly popular when working with veterans for many reasons. Here we will be outlining just a few of the unique benefits veterans can experience through working with horses.

Many of us have likely heard of the challenges facing today’s veterans in receiving adequate mental health care. Of the 2.5 million troops deployed since 2001 in the Global War on Terror, about 30% will have a mental health condition requiring treatment. Texas alone is home to about 70,000 of these veterans. Additionally, there are many Vietnam-era veterans in need of mental health services that have had difficulty accessing them over decades. Veterans are most often struggling with PTSD, depression, and probable traumatic brain injury.

If you are not yet familiar with the general benefits of equine assisted counseling, we suggest you visit this page on our website. There are also many unique benefits experienced by service members and veterans in equine assisted counseling:

• Many veterans can relate to horses’ “fight-or-flight” mentality. Horses are great at modeling how one can be aware of the surroundings and respond to potential threats and then return to a calm state once the threat is over, something that many veterans with PTSD have difficulty with.
• Like horses in a herd, veterans can relate to the cohesiveness of being in military unit. The idea of needing to trust and work well with the group in order to survive is relatable for a lot of military personnel.
• The herd hierarchical organization is similarly experienced through military rankings.
• Relational difficulties experienced with people will be similarly experienced with horses. One of the most common challenges our veteran clients report is in their relationships with their families, friends, and even coworkers. Being able to work through those difficulties with the horse can be the first step to better relationships outside of counseling.

By building a relationship with the horse, veterans can experience decreases in anger, PTSD symptoms, and feelings of depression and anxiety. Our clients often report other positive changes such as an increased trust in relationships and the ability to self-regulate and relax. Equine assisted counseling can be a great supplemental treatment to traditional therapies such as talk therapy, Prolonged Exposure, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). It is also effective as a standalone treatment for veterans who have not found success in traditional therapies or feel uncomfortable seeking those services.

To find out more about Operation Hoofbeat and our programs for military and their families, please contact us or visit the Operation Hoofbeat website.